A semi-detailed constructive critique, as per the author’s request:

First Paragraph:

    * “The lights were dimmed in the dank bar in the tucked away corner of Pewter City.” - use of the preposition “in the” twice in the same sentence lends to a bit of redundancy.  Same with the next sentence, “Red sat, idly tapping his fingers against the glass of the scotch Green had insisted on ordering while Green sat…” - not only is Green’s name stated twice, but they both “sat,” and while “sat” is one of those words that sort of becomes invisible and isn’t quite as big of a deal, repeated use of Green’s name is jarring.  A balance needs to be stricken between knowing which characters are doing what, and keeping sentences from becoming redundant through use of pronouns.  Once the subject of a sentence/paragraph/whatever is established, it’s easier to make it clear which character is which despite repeated use of pronouns - “he” and “her” are a lot more transparent than character names, and the writing becomes more fluid as a result.  But again, a balance must be stricken between clarity of narrative and smoothness of writing style.

    * The primary issue with the rest of the paragraph is the stop-and-go nature of the sentences.  Several sentences are comma splices - something which is not necessarily a bad thing when done well, but doesn’t often work well in longer paragraphs like this - and there is little fluidity from one sentence to the next.  In almost every case here, the sentences can be fixed with the inclusion of either different punctuation, added transitional words, or both.  For example:

        “It was late outside, Green had just gotten off his shift as gym leader, Saturday night and the bar was almost empty.”

    This sentence is made up of three different thoughts, and just because they’re connected by commas doesn’t mean they are connected as a cohesive sentence.  There are actually several different ways to split up this sentence, though, based mostly on what style of writing you want:

        “It was late on a Saturday night, and Green had just gotten off his shift as Gym Leader.  The bar was almost empty.”

                        or:

        “Green had just gotten off his shift as Gym Leader, and although it was late on a Saturday night, the bar was almost empty.”

                        or even:

        “It was late on a Saturday night, and the bar was nearly empty; Green himself had just finished his shift at the Gym.”

    Et cetera.  The possibilities are nearly endless!  This persists throughout the piece, and revising the sentences will greatly improve the piece as a whole.


Second Paragraph:

    * Disregarding the mid-paragraph jump in topic (“He didn’t like the way the girls clung to Green like he was theirs. Didn’t they know how many years he’d waited for Green? How many Green had to wait for him?” - this should be its own paragraph, if it needs to be in the piece at all), this paragraph has one major problem: it is entirely telling, and never showing.

    “Show Don’t Tell” is an oft-stated “rule” of writing (I say rule in quotes because, like any rule in writing, “Show Don’t Tell” can, will and sometimes should be broken) that basically sums up to “show things in the narrative rather than just tell the reader."  Again, sometimes telling is necessary - exposition is not a thing to be feared, but is a tool of writing like anything else - but this paragraph is all telling.  Rather than having Red think at the reader about all his feelings and opinions, it may help the piece to have those sorts of things shown through his actions or his dialogue (if you feel any should be added).


Third Paragraph:

    * This paragraph , without any sign of transition, suddenly and jarringly switches the point of view character from Red to Green.

    Even in a piece written in the third person, there is a point of view character, a focal point who’s thoughts and personality shape the narrative around them.  (Unless the piece is entirely third person omniscient, and even then different scenes may house different POV characters.)  Shifts in POV character in a piece like this are not impossible, and can in fact allow for a greater exploration of some or all of the characters involved, but they need to be handled carefully.  If you want to keep this element to the piece, then some manner of transition (even a line break is far better than nothing at all, and is a totally viable option) is needed.

    * The sentence "It was so warm” should probably start a new paragraph, as it marks a new “thought” and a shift in the thrust of the narrative.  In fact, this paragraph is made of several thoughts in that sense - Green’s introspective, sensual action between Red and Green, and Green’s retrospection continued - and can probably be split in to three or even four individual paragraphs.

–
Let me make it clear that all this doesn’t mean I think this piece is bad!  The characters’ introspective moments provide lots of good character development, and there were some interesting bits of mood-setting narration in the third paragraph (though you have to watch and make sure you don’t overdo those!  They can easily fall in to cliché).  And while this admittedly felt more like an excerpt than a completed piece (mostly due to the lack of full story arc, but that’s not really a requirement for a piece of writing anyway?), it was still a good read.  There’s just many aspects in which it can improve : )